Installing a ceiling fan with Mr. & Mrs. Slacker...
First, go to Home Depot around 5pm and look for a new ceiling fan-one with a remote, because God forbid you have to get out of bed to turn the fan/light on or off. Spend 30 minutes looking at each fan and it's options while DB runs up and down the aisles. Now go to out to dinner at Sweet Tomatoes and have a great meal.
Get home at 7pm and decide that now is the PERFECT time to install the new fan, because it's a new toy and new toys must be played with immediately. Put DB to bed so we can get started.
Mr. Slacker will now remove each part from box and group like pieces together on dresser and bed. Mrs. Slacker will completely mess up system while making the bed, so she's not sleeping on dust and ceiling crap tonight.
Flip every breaker in the house to figure out which one goes to the bedroom, use ultra bright flashlight for lighting.
Disassemble old fan and remove from ceiling leaving just a hole with wires sticking out. Hah, that was easy.
Ultra brite flashlight dies because it wasn't actually plugged in to recharge.
Return to basement to turn on power to rest of house and plug in industrial light in bathroom across the hall. Leave massive tangle of orange extension cord to trip over while going in and out of bedroom.
Step 1-Install new screw plate. Stand on bed while trying to find screw holes through the small slats in screwplate. Shake arms a bunch because working over your head sucks. Start cursing because you can't see the holes, go to laundry room and get two step utility ladder which is a whole 6 inches higher than bed, but at least it's stable. Try again to find holes. Curse more. Eventually create new holes because you're too pissed off to keep looking. Screw plate in.
Step two-Assemble canopy, downrod and motor. Follow the directions exactly, but decide that you know better than the book and wonder why they didn't tell you to add the decorative clamps. Realize you can't find the lower clamp, but that the upper clamp comes apart so you can install it later and say "Fuck it, we'll deal with it then."
Step three-Hang assembled down rod by hook and realize you have 20 wires and a remote sensor to figure out. Sit down with instructions utter perplexed, say I must be the fucking stupidest human alive to not understand this, stomp out of bedroom (trip over cord) and go make a stiff Jack and Coke. Woman type person picks up directions and starts connecting wires.
Step four-Ask Mr. Slacker to return to bedroom to help screw in the canopy (filled with the remote sensor and 20 feet of wire) into the screwplate. Stuff, jam, force and finagle all crap into canopy while Mr. S questions if this is really how it's supposed to go. Yes, keep pushing. Get everything to fit, hand Mr. S screws to hold in place. Drop screw into motor assemby, remove assembly cover to retrieve screw. Realize by the third screw, that they are the wrong screws. Start over. Go get bigger ladder from garage because it really sucks working over your head (trip over extension cord) Utterly fail to get everything to fit into canopy and get more than two screws in place at once, curse a LOT.
Finally get smart enough to pull everything out and neatly coil up wires. Reassemble canopy and with minimal effort get it screwed into plate.
Step five-Install fan blades (assembled by Mrs. S in the beginning while Mr. S was doing cursing about screwplate). This actually goes smoothly.
Step six-Attach decorative clamps. Only find upper clamp and install, search for lower clamp. Realize lower clamp is already attached to fan assembly. Duh and Phew.
Step seven-Install light fixture. Thankfully this has a polarized plug instead of raw wire--click, done. Screw in place. Realize that the light takes three 40 watt candelabra bulbs and breathe a sigh of relief that these are the same bulbs that go in our dining room fixture, and we have some--now that the dining room fixture is short a bulb. Also think fuck, is this going to be bright enough? Install glass bowl.
Voila done! It's only 11:45pm.
Go to basement, flip breaker, press remote light switch--nada. Turn wall dial-nada. FUCK. Pull chain pull, ahh light! Turn fan dial-nada, try remote-nada, pull other chain pull--still nada. Realize both fan and light dial on wall control light--oops. Remote, nothing.
Feel utterly disappointed, say fuck it and go to bed.
Call Home Depot next day to come install ceiling fan.