Back Away From the Computer
As of late, I've really struggled with blogging. It became a minor addiction really. Perhaps I believed it was the only way I was 'heard' anymore. One of the prices I've paid as a SAHM is lack of intellectual stimulation on any sort of regular basis. If the brain isn't exercised, it atrophies. Pregnancy voided me of enough brain cells, I want to keep the ones I have. I suppose I could have just as easily picked up some novels or kept the tv on CNN but that would not have satisfied the interactive aspect of intellectual stimulation that I really craved. So I delved into the internet. This isn't something new, ever since I discovered the joys of surfing, I've been hooked. I love the ability to learn about anything in .034 seconds. I have connected with people halfway around the world, made great friends, and even learned a new language. Too much of a good thing? Yeah, I think so. I knew it was bad when I was writing blog entries in my head when I should have been sleeping, or spending every free (and sometimes not really free) moments blogsurfing or redesigning my site. I was compelled to be online, I could always come up with an excuse, "oh, I need to pay some bills" or "check my email" or "look up the price of grain in China. I oft chose writing over wrestling; surfing before sweeping; and perusing instead of playing. At least I lived up to my moniker, right? I was just so desperate to stay connected to not only the outside world, but also to a part of me that was now gone. The part that had the luxury of sitting on the computer all day, calling it work and picking up a paycheck to boot. Now, there are these children who rely on me, just me, I'm finally accountable, truly accountable, for what I do in a day. It's good. I need it. I am a slacker.
These past few days, when I do sit at the computer, I don't find it as magnetic as I once did. A reformed computer junkie? Let's not go too far, but in all honesty, I don't feel the compulsion to get online like I did even two weeks ago. It's a bittersweet victory. It's sad that I had to hide online for so many months fighting the reality of my new life. That my boys, mostly DB, suffered the consequences of my selfish actions. But, I'm happier, not just on the surface but in the core. It just took a shift in perspective and a dose of patience (a REALLY BIG DOSE OF PATIENCE) to start walking the path on which I want to be.
I can already see the trickle down effects on my family. We find more joy than pain in toddlerhood these days, and in each other. My stoic don't-show-emotions-at-all cost husband and I even had a great talk last night followed by a little convening of the procedure. Life is good, and getting better.